I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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