Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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