is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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