I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
