i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
