Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize