DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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