Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
