thus making me awesome and them whores
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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