Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
