I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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