I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
