Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize