do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize