I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
