lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize