You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
