There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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