If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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