my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
