apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's the barista slut.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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