I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize