so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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