you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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