Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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