well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
