Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
