he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
