I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
