The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
