Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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