the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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