remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
