do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
