I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
