I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im holly from the hills drunk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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