i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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