sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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