We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she looked like the before picture.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
