Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
