Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
