Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
