if you like me you must not know who I am
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
