Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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