you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
