I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
