Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
