i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
