I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
