I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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