I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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