I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
