How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
