you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
