normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize