The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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