Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
