forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
