I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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