so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
