im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
