Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
