She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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