eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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