I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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