It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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