hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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