btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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